Life, these last couple of months, has been a gel-filled stress-ball’s squeeze-frenzied nightmare.

Here’s a little something about me: As I’ve said before, when the pressure is on, simple carbohydrates are my lifelong addiction buddies – the ones I hung out with when I was younger and more metabolically advantaged, and in whose company I dove head first into the shallow end of the dietary trouble pool. Simple carbs are the overly accepting old friends that I have to avoid if I want to “stay on the wagon” with real food.

Some people take a walk with Lassie to regain their center of gravity; I on the other hand, tend to take a drive to Taco Bell, hoping that they’ve finally figured out the Holy Grail of fast food: the lascivious matrimonial union of sugar, preservatives, hormones, antibiotics, and dirt-cheap meat.

Pulling around the finely crafted drive-thru arc of asphalt and concrete curb that says, enter dear friend, but know that there is but one way out, I think to myself: “What sweet and savory surprise awaits me on the shimmering ordering board this time, my old corn syrupy compadre? Is it a newly-conceived melding of steaming hot “cheese-ish” sauce, oddly and excessively chopped ground beef-like meat, and powdered jelly donuts? All wrapped in a freezer-burnt artificially-colored tortilla? Maybe I’ll be greeted by the hearty handshake of yet another Blast flavor of soda-lovin’-in-a-bucket, calling my name when I roll up to the crusty drive-thru microphone?”

I’ll go out on a limb here: If there is one place in the world that can stick just about anything into a tortilla and turn disgusting into sellable, it’s Taco Bell. Believe me.

So have I given up this whole real food thing? Am I now indulging in mystery beef bathed in succulent cheesy goo? Say it isn’t so!

Do you have something you’d like to share with the class?

First things first: I’m obviously a few weeks overdue for May’s check-in. As I’ve said in the past, part of the power of blogging is the accountability. So here I am, fessing up on that ever familiar childhood question, “where have you been, young man?”

Well, just like that the time when I mysteriously lost my Seventh Grade Pre-Algebra report card, I have a bunch of really good excuses, but this time in the form of a test (my parents didn’t buy the, “Uh, I don’t know…How about you guess?” routine).

Almost Fit Rationalization Pop Quiz for May

There is just one question on today’s test, and it’s multiple choice. See if you can figure out the “real” excuse – points double if you leave a comment.

Question: Why is my progress report is late?

A. Because I’m pretty sure that my scale is broken, so I couldn’t report. Or at least it is really, really stuck. It’s GOTTA be. Although I was not aware that this could happen to a digital.

B. Because I’ve simply been too busy reading all of your blogs to write my own entries. 24 hours a day, that is all I seem to do – read, read, read. I am a machine! That one glorious task has kept me from doing anything else. Other than, uh, baking bread. And working. And planting organic vegetables. And watching the National Geographic channel.

C. Because…See answer J

D. Because it is an election year, and I have been so distracted by television ad campaigns and the ridiculous crop of landfill-destined roadside placards that I have forgotten my blog account information. Or what the Internet is. Which made me want an Apple Fritter.

E. Because of Global Warming

F. Because things are really heating up on Top Chef, and boy is that making me hungry

G. Because according to Cesar Milan (the Dog Whisperer), I am letting my refrigerator be pack leader

H. On account of it’s been really hot here in Oregon, which forces me to eat ice cream. A lot. And not write, because of the dripping problem.

I. Because, well, I am Iron Man

J. Because my weight loss this month has slowed, and I’ve been putting the report off hoping that the hosts of the new show on TLC, I Can Melt Fat Telekinetically, would show up and give me the instant shortcut I’ve been looking for. So far no dice. Uggh.

It’s a tough quiz, but please leave a comment and tell me which one makes the most sense. My vote is option I – I indeed, may very well be, Iron Man.

When in doubt, Pick C (or, Here’s my weightloss check-in for May)

Here is the truth: For the year, I am now down 25.6 lbs – which to be blunt feels, “just ok”. On the surface the good news is this is my lowest weight in a few years. The last time I was in this weight zone was the day after a successful half marathon, where I shed water weight like Jackson Pollock reincarnated as a wet Irish Sheepdog. The time before that where I was in this weight category? My wedding.

The less good? That means since the last check-in I’m only down 3.6 lbs. Spread that out over 6 weeks, and that is not exactly the pace of 1-2 lbs. a week that I’m shooting for.

So in the words of my virtual internal therapist (who, amazingly enough in my head sounds strikingly similar to Sean Connery) I ask myself: “So…How does that make you…feel, Indy?”

(He also at times says random things like, “The sensation you’re feeling is the Quickening”, “One. Ping. Only.”, and often calls me “Indy”. None of which bothers me. Though I rarely talk about it.)

After giving it some thought [OK maybe a better word choice here might be "rationalization", but I'm going with "thought"], I’ve come to the following conclusion:

Despite the slowed pace, I still have to consider this a success.

Why does 3.6 lbs count as a success? I mean, had I been keeping the pace I intend, I’d have been easily 6 lbs or so lighter, if not more. So how can I consider 3.6 lbs a positive report?

A Victory of Omission

To summarize, for this period of time what is most important is what didn’t happen.

In previous attempts that were strictly aimed at losing weight (health being a secondary consideration, if at all), I normally would have been well on my way to erasing the progress I’d made. I would have abandoned real food in favor of a shiny foil package of non-spoiling, comforting delight. But the emphasis this time is on would have. As in, I did not give in to fake food.

As I’ve whined about excessively in other posts, I am emerging from the most overworked that I have been possibly ever with my current employer. 16-hour days for several months on end, 7 days a week. Ah, the glory of software development for a large corporation. Under normal circumstances, that would have put me squarely in the sights of the old, “gaining it all back and then some” routine. That, simply put, DID NOT HAPPEN.

Back on (the) Track

In the end, what am I doing about it?

1. Exercise. Running is on my agenda this week, and with good weather finally here in Oregon, I will have no excuses. Thus, the heading of this section is Back on THE track.

2. Moderation. I need to simply redouble my efforts to focus on eating smaller portions. That focus has slipped a bit, particularly when I’ve been eating meals to facilitate my work schedule, rather than eating for eating’s sake.

3. Get more sleep. I’ve had several people ask how I’m able to keep up with Almost Fit (barely) and still work the hours I’ve been working. The answer is essentially cheating myself out of sleep. On this schedule I have been sleeping about 5 hours a night on average, which is simply not enough. The problem is by 1:30AM I am hungry again, so I eat, again. I think this has more to do with the weight loss slowdown than any other single factor.

4. Cut down on the snacking habits - even the healthy ones. I tend to reach for a quick bite between meals when I’m stressed, bored, or pondering how to fix something (like when I’m trying to solve a work objective). The types of snacks I’m choosing are fine – typically fruit and nuts, which are great, but if you do that all day and into the night off and on, it does catch up to you when you are not mindful of the portion sizes in your “regular” meals. The nuts in particular. It’s a little too easy to grab a handful here and there, and then repeat that multiple times mindlessly.

5. Stop eating at my computer. When work is crazy, I tend to revert back to my old ways of eating while working. I’ve got to stop that. Eating is about health, and health is about living. And for me, living is NOT about work.

6. Refocus on eating slower. I’ve slipped back into speed-eating at times.

7. Remember to eat on a reasonably predictable schedule/quit skipping meals because I’m “too busy”.

8. Avoid juice. Even 100% unsweetened grapefruit juice (my favorite), even mixed with water. Although I think that on a day-to-day basis this is just fine, while I’m trying to lose weight the juice is deadly. It turns on my cravings for sugar, and it really is a whole set of calories that I truly do not need. It’s an easy sacrifice, and barely a sacrifice at all.

So all that said, you can see why I am happy with the 3.6 lbs, in particular the NOT GAINING IT BACK part. Still no fast food indulgence. Just a little too much of the real food, too often, and a few too many occasional indulgences if weight loss is the goal. My eating habits are allowing me to be stable weight-wise, and health-wise, but for right now, I want to focus on losing weight a little more aggressively.

New Math – Reality check, anyone?

I also have to remember: I am shooting for 6-8 lbs a month. That means from Jan-April (4 months, last I checked), at the low end of the progress scale I would be at 24 lbs lost (avg. 6 lbs a month), which is literally where I was at at the end of April. While the “dieter” in me neurotically wants to see my progress hit the high end, realistically, 6 lbs per month is probably the wiser pace.

That said, I’m getting back on the faster bus.

And one last thing?

The answer? On Taco Bell?

NO. Didn’t do it. Not gonna’ do it. Na, Ga, Da, as Dana Carvey once famously said. Because this is about comedy. And/Or, my health.

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