How to buy chicken without getting punched
This entry is part 1 in the series, “How to buy chicken without getting punched.” (This part is supposed to be funny.) If you enjoy this article, please consider sharing it via your favorite social media, like StumbleUpon. Thanks.
A few months ago, I went to the local higher-priced grocery store to pick up some chicken. This particular trip to the store however, I got more than I expected: the chicken came free with a side order of attitude and the ever popular “shoulda’-said” chaser.
Here’s the scene: a local favorite shi shi fru fru store in Southeast Portland. The fluorescent light flickers slightly above a stainless, freshly hosed down meat slicer. The smell of fresh salmon and dill permeates the air like the aroma of a wet dog, only fishier and more dill-like. The butcher stands behind the counter, seemingly annoyed by my perplexed-but-friendly stare into the 8-foot glass case, his fingers twitching in preparation for the imminent smoke break or opportunity to slash something, I can’t be sure. (I swear there is a light saber somewhere in this story.)
The characters:
- Me. Played by a young and dashing Harrison Ford, circa 1982, as Rick Deckard, a.k.a. Blade Runner
- Butcher. Played by Ian McDiarmid, a.k.a. Emperor Palpatine, visibly annoyed and very possibly, ready to Rock
The song, “My girl likes to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tii-iiime” is on the overhead.
“Excuse me - do you have organic free range chicken?” I asked, politely.
“We have all natural chicken, if that’s what you mean.”
“No, I mean free range - do you have that?” I replied, again with nothing but a cheery, please-like-me-Mr.-Butcher-man-with-the-long-knives-and-a-disconcerting-familiarity-with-blood smile.
“You mean like did it run around a yard and peck at stuff before they killed it? I don’t know, I wasn’t there.” The butcher had that restrained, “I want to punch you in the face” look that the librarian in Junior High School had when she wanted to scream but couldn’t because, well, we do have rules against that.
Now let me pause for a moment and say that this was one of those moments in life where I thought of all kinds of witty, cutting things to say to this guy - an hour too late.
“Are you really giving me crap about this?”, or, “Is it worth risking your job to deal with your customers like that?”. And then there’s the old stand-by: “What’s your name? I’d like to talk to the manager pronto, Pal-O-Mine!” Or maybe, “You want the truth? You can’t handle the Truth!” (not sure how that last one applies, but it comes into my mind whenever I’m angry.)
But what was my reaction?
“Uh, OK. Thanks anyway.” Because THAT, unfortunately, is how I roll.
Yes folks, I , am, SPARTICUS.
[Ed. note: I can’t help but think that by posting this admission, I just got called a bunch of immature, denigrating names that are often hurled at an umpire at a sporting event, that in some parts of the world imply awful things about the denigratee’s mother.
I think this because as I wrote it, I heard my own interior, ever-present adolescent voice call me similarly awful names. And the fact that I used the phrase, “sporting event” seals the deal. And all that the adult me could say back to adolescent me was, “Why don’t you say that to my face?” - but I kind of did. Resuming article.]
So what did I do about it?
Although in truth this exchange had very little to do with my eventual decision, I have to thank the grumpy butcher guy for pushing me one step forward on the real food track. I certainly didn’t buy chicken from their meat counter again (ha-HA, Butcher guy! Feel the Burn!!! (Wow this is getting sad.)). And that, among other things, got me looking for alternative resources for chicken and beef. In my post-wimpification state, I was highly susceptible to the suggestion that maybe buying from the grocery store wasn’t my strongest move.
We started out looking to the vendors at Farmer’s Markets, but ultimately it was a bit too pricey. I support the farmer’s market, but $4.00-$4.50 a pound for chicken is a little on the, “are you kidding me?” side. [Ed. Update: Just to clarify, I am talking about whole chicken prices, which are significantly less than individual cuts.]
Besides, if I want to pay those kind of prices, I’ll save it for a date night at Whole Foods, where I can overspend, sit down, and have sushi floating along beside me on a conveyor belt while I pocket some spare napkins for the glove box.
An activity, incidentally, which I am told is a common occurrence - the date night part. A friend who works at the gourmet foods counter says that foodies who get a night out sans children often skip the movie theater and head straight for a dinner of Whole Foods cheese samples, followed by a dessert course of knife and cast iron cookware shopping at Sur la Table. Count me in!
(Incidentally, does anyone know - can you buy your own conveyor belt? Because conveyor belts are almost as cool as light sabers, considering light sabers don’t exist. In this sector of the galaxy, anyway.)
Anyway, rather than paying these prices, we decided to take our next step in seeking out real food: we are eliminating the purchase of meat and poultry from grocery stores by going directly to the farmer, where there is even less chance of getting punched.
In fact, we have now placed an order for 30 whole, bug-eating, grass-plucking, pasture-hanging-out, stress-free chickens, the majority of which will be ready in September. 30 Chickens! In fact, our first 5 arrived this week - which you’ll see in tomorrow’s Friday recipe.
This whole “real food” thing seems to be getting a little out of hand, don’t ya think?
Stay tuned for part 2 where I explain, how to save money if you can’t find a farmer near you. And you forgot your light saber.
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This is such a good, funny, well-written poignant post. Don’t you always think of the BEST things to say after the event is over? Drives me nuts.
It sounds like you dealt with it the right way though; going straight to the farm is very much taking it to the man. Can’t wait until September…
Rick Deckard?
I knew Rick Deckard sir, and you are no Rick Deckard.
Rick Deckard would have would have terminated that surly bastar….errr butcher, surly butcher. He was probably a replicant anyway.
Okay, sit down and brace thyself. I pay 13 bucks for just under a pound of organic, free-range, yadda yadda chicken breasts, boneless, skinless.
13 bucks for 11 oz or so.
Sometimes, I get the brand that’s 11 bucks for about 11 oz.
It hurts so bad.
I get free range, organic-fed, high-omega 3 eggs from a local farm. nearly 5 bucks a dozen.
I’m going to go broke trying to eat right, I swear.
And I still can’t tolerate grass-fed beef. Tastes too weird. Organic pork-nice. Pricey, too.
If hubby weren’t such a meat-man, I’d go ovo-lacto vegetarian and screw the organic meat prices.
Ah, well.
The (less in 401K cause I’m eating my retirement) Princess
You’ve done it again, kept us entertained and made a great point about REAL food.
I would like to comment on this comment from Princess Dieter:
“I get free range, organic-fed, high-omega 3 eggs from a local farm. nearly 5 bucks a dozen.”
These are not eggs from Happy Chickens. She is paying $5 a dozen for eggs that are not highest on the real food ladder. I just did a a post about it and have been sharing some short video clips about how eggs from happy chickens have omega 3, Vitamin D and more, I had never heard about the vitamin D, bet you haven’t either. The video is on my blog.
Sorry Metroknow, I got a little off track - You did an amazing job, as usual, with this article. Thank you…
Very funny and great read!
@FBG: Yeah, I know that butcher is SUPER depressed now. That’s OK. He had it coming.
@DR: All I can say is they don’t advertise for eaters in the newspaper. That was my profession. Ex-slob. Ex-blade runner. Ex-chicken eater.
I think we all know who the replicant is here………
@Princess Dieter: Aaah I feel your pain on the chicken. I once paid $34 frickin’ bucks for 4 chicken breasts - but not anymore. We get our eggs for about $3.75 from a local family farm - we actually go to the farm to get them. On grass-fed beef - I know what you mean on the taste. For me I enjoy it when it’s cooked properly, but since it’s much leaner than corn-fed beef, it cooks much differently, which may be part of the difficulty. On the other hand, you may simply not like it, which is probably OK from the cow’s perspective.
@Robin: Hi Robin! Yep, your article was excellent. Here’s the link for folks who may have missed it: Free Range and Pastured Eggs Are Not The Same Thing
Jeremy,
Belly laughing! A similar thing happened to me once when I called my EX-butcher, asking what the cows were fed at wherever it was that his … distributor… got his meat from. “Do you know if they’re fed soymeal?” “WHY?! Who’s allergic?” (Insert your best grumpy voice there.) “All of us, I don’t want it in our meat.” “WHY NOT?!” At that point I was pretty sure he wasn’t interested in why soy is best eaten fermented and why grass-fed beef is best.
Now we’re like you, we go straight to the farm for our meat, eggs, milk, and only one step away - to the farm market - for our produce.
Princess Dieter, try a different farm - our farmer says that grass fed beef is going to taste like what the cows are fed - maybe the farmer is feeding them something causing the taste to be “off”. That happened at one farm we went to, but at our current farm, it tastes GREAT.
Kelly
Too funny! At least the butcher guy understood the kind of chicken you were looking for!
I do buy pricey chicken from the farmers’ market, usually around $5.50 a pound. Ends up being pretty affordable if I eat meat a few times a week and eat a lot of eggs. How much cheaper per pound was it for you to buy in bulk? I’m thinking of getting a spare freezer for the basement.
Just so you know, free range doesn’t necessarily mean pastured. Free range chickens have “access” to the outdoors, but it can mean one enclosed area where the chickens have gone over and over again, the good bugs and plants are already munched, and the constant supply of chicken poop has not been great for the soil. Pastured chickens are either moved to a different part of land frequently, or given an extremely large territory to roam. I don’t put too much stock into chicken and eggs labeled “free range” in stores, I just buy from farmers at the market.
Hey, how’d you get Harrison Ford to play you?
Debs
Food Is Love
Hey there Debs,
Yep, we are of the same accord. I’ll be ’splaining the price difference, definitions of packaging, and such, in the next installments.
I hope that you have a huge freezer because to find a space for 30 chickens will not be easy
That is very true - we are actually shopping for one now in preparation for September!
I have noticed that sometimes there is a little… resistance… to selling organic food from some of these stores.
I’m really lucky with my local butcher, he’s very passionate about being a buttcher and takes real food as a personal challange. I think these encounters are a way of telling who likes there job and who doesn’t. Possably also a way to flush out replicants. Do you happen to remember if his puples dialated at any time?
Great posting! I’ve been on a bit of a chicken search myself.
Here in NYC the best price I found so far is $10.99 lb thru Fresh Direct for skinless, organic free range chicken breasts ($9.99 lb is you purchase more than 2 lbs).
It gets pricey indeed!!!
Susan
http://www.catapultfitnessblog.com
Good post. It always seems to happen this way where you try and do one simple thing, and it snowballs into something major. It can’t ever be simple. You just wanted to buy chicken, and now you are getting 30, and have to go buy a new freezer. But at least you are getting what you want, and it made for an entertaining read.
This is awesome. Why didn’t I think of going direct to the farmer?! I can’t wait for your next installments. Then I think I’ll check with a few friends to see if they’d want to share an order.
How to save money on chicken | AlmostFit.com Says: 05.08.08 at 11:40 am
[…] Comments DeDe on How to buy chicken without getting punchedJess R on Health and fitness finds this weekTom on How to buy chicken without getting punchedSusan […]
Hey there Tom - I definitely know what you mean. I think that it does involve a bit of rethinking in how we view our food. On the one hand, it is a pain in the neck to have to get a freezer; but on the other, that means not only are we saving money over the long run, but we are eating what we want as you said, we will be saving trips to the store (we’re buying more than just chicken in large quantities), and we’re getting a much clearer picture of where our food actually comes from. For us, that is important. But yeah, it’s not the simplest.
Hi DeDe - Yep, getting friends to go in on an order is definitely the way to go. We found locally that when we order larger quantities in that way, we save even more.
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